People want to make their relationships work with their managers, teams, and peers. They want to give feedback that makes a difference, lead people through change, and influence others.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom they want to bring their ideas and concerns to the table regardless of who is in the room. What’s surprising is that most people lack of skill and ability to step into the difficult conversations they know they need to have.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

IHHP has been delivering emotional intelligence and conversation training, coaching, and EI360 assessments for 20 years. We’ve conducted research studies—including a study of 12,000 people we did for our book—and we’ve worked with exceptional people in a wide variety of fields, including the U.S.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom marines, surgeons, olympic athletes, and executives from companies such as IBM, allstate marriott, and goldman sachs.

• not modelling receiving feedback.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom according to albert einstein, “modelling is not the main means of influencing people, it’s the only means.” whether you are getting feedback directly or through a 360-degree assessment, if you want people to respond skillfully to your feedback—even when you don’t do it perfectly—then you should model being on the receiving end.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

That’s not easy. Our emotional brains are wired to protect and defend us, so as soon as someone starts telling us something we don’t like, we immediately move to our fight or flight responses—to defend or shut down—which aren’t effective behaviors to demonstrate.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom if you’ve ever received 360-degree feedback, you’ll probably have experienced an emotional response like this.

• letting your own negative emotions have an impact. If we go into a conversation and we are emotionally triggered or anxious, those emotions immediately will impact the other person and he or she will move into a defensive mode.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom emotions are infectious, so you want to enter any conversation with confidence, optimism, and the belief there will be a positive outcome—even if that positive outcome is simply that you said what you needed to say.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

How to overcome this: one of the key strategies we teach in our training is “crisis vs. Opportunity.” we’re all wired to see a pressure situation (like a difficult conversation) as a crisis and start thinking, “this won’t go well,” or “they’re going to get upset,” and “why bother, they aren’t going to change.” those kind of thoughts trigger our emotional brain.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

If we can cognitively reappraise the situation as an opportunity and say to ourselves, “I am prepared and can manage the conversation well,” or “I am doing this to help the other person,” or “I will learn from this no matter what the outcome,” that will trigger positive emotions, which increases our own confidence and the positive affect we have on the other person.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

How to overcome this: by stating a positive intention at the beginning of the conversation, you set the other person’s emotional brain at ease, so he or she can truly listen to the feedback.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom examples could include “I am providing this feedback because I believe it will help you be an even better performer,” or “I have news to share and I want to make sure you know how much I value you when this conversation is over.”

cognitive learning theory in the classroom

• not asking enough questions. People often start conversations with statements that are accusatory or blaming. The emotional brain is triggered by statements like “you did this” or “you should have done that” or even questions that sound like statements such as “what were you thinking?” or “didn’t you think about how this would impact others?”.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

How to overcome this: it’s obvious, but hard to do: ask lot of questions! When we ask genuine non-judgmental questions, it engages the neo-cortex of the other person (the rational part of his or her brain), causing soothing of the emotional part of the brain.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom this allows the person to process the feedback, news, or opposing idea without being defensive or closed minded. Example questions could include “what’s your perspective on that?” or “how do you feel things went?” or “what’s this been like for you?”

cognitive learning theory in the classroom

• not saying the last 8%. When facing a challenging conversation, most people adequately cover the first 92 percent of what they want to cover.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom when they get to the more difficult part of the conversation—where the other person often starts reacting emotionally by shutting down, blaming, getting defensive, etc.—they avoid the last 8% of the conversation, which is the part that really needs to be said.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom what’s missed is the critical information and feedback an individual or organization needs to improve performance, grow, and achieve objectives.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

How to overcome this: before you start the conversation, be clear with yourself about the last 8% that you need to communicate, even if the other person might not react well (he or she might react well and appreciate your honesty—notice the shift from crisis to opportunity thinking!).Cognitive learning theory in the classroom make sure you don’t leave the conversation without saying your last 8%. You can’t control how another person reacts, but you can ensure you say what needs to be said.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

Having effective difficult conversations is one of the key differentiators of high performers and world-class organizations. In our research, it was one of the behaviors most highly correlated with top 10% performers, and also one of the skills people most admired in their exceptional leaders.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom while having difficult conversations are not easy, it’s a skill that can be learned and mastered. It’s not just something that helps us at work, it makes a huge difference in our personal lives, too!Cognitive learning theory in the classroom

Bill benjamin is a training and leadership expert at the institute for health and human potential and a contributor to the new york times best-selling book, “ performing under pressure .” benjamin speaks on the topics of emotional intelligence and performing under pressure, and is a monthly contributor to CEO magazine.Cognitive learning theory in the classroom he works with people in high-pressure environments, including intel, goldman sachs, and the U.S. Marines.