Admittedly, I don’t handle conflict very well. I don’t like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I think many people feel this way. Yet, conflict is a part of life and it strikes me as very odd that lawyers are not taught how to engage in conflict as part of our training.Cognitive learning systems granted, we are given some limited tools for handling a specific type of conflict — namely, conflict as related to the litigation process — but when it comes to peacemaking, facilitating healing, or even truly understanding where our client is coming from, these skills are largely missing.Cognitive learning systems

With that as the backdrop, when I heard about this restorative justice conference, I was fascinated and curious. Life has a funny way of bringing exactly what you need at the exact moment when you need it.Cognitive learning systems there are lawyers, counselors, social workers, and other professionals who are in the conflict business, and they view conflict not as something that should be avoided, but as a natural part of the human experience.Cognitive learning systems this idea of using conflict as a way to deepen, heal, restore, and facilitate change was completely radical to me. Here is some of what I learned:

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This makes a lot of sense, especially for lawyers. We’re under constant time constraints and are often in situations where we feel anger. When we’re in this state, it’s easier to label and put people into boxes by using “cognitive shortcuts” and call opposing counsel “jerks” or fill-in your choice of words rather than engage in conversations where the aim is to understand — not to “win” the fight.Cognitive learning systems

Let go of the need to fix. Many attendees at this conference did restorative justice work in prisons where they facilitate dialogues between victim, offender, and community.Cognitive learning systems I can’t begin to know what it would be like to have someone I love murdered, then to have the courage to sit in a circle with the murderer. In one panel, there were parents of murdered children and they discussed the process of coming to terms with the senseless death, acceptance, and getting to a place of forgiveness.Cognitive learning systems

Engage in dialogue, not monologue. Dominic barter, who spoke at the conference, discussed the difference between dialogue versus monologue in one of the sessions.Cognitive learning systems monologue is waiting for the speaker to take a breath so you can interrupt and dominate the conversation. Dialogue is a conversation between equals where the ending is unknown.Cognitive learning systems one thing he said that stood out to me is this:

Learning to be with conflict, learning to be human. The emotion that lives in the center of many conflicts is anger.Cognitive learning systems anger is an uncomfortable feeling, but critical. Anger lets you know that your boundaries have been crossed. It’s a warning system letting you know that something isn’t right.Cognitive learning systems it also gives you drive — the energy to take action. Anger isn’t bad. It’s just an emotion. It’s what you do with the anger that’s important.Cognitive learning systems so, the challenge is how do you work through your anger and find the wise path for resolving the issue?

Consider the importance of being with uncomfortable or powerful emotions like anger.Cognitive learning systems approaching it with curiosity, with gentleness, with compassion. Imagine if lawyers used conflict as an opportunity to facilitate healing, growth, and mutual understanding for our clients.Cognitive learning systems how would that shape your role as an attorney? How would that shape you as a human?